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Within the web of human relationships, narcissism emerges as a multifaceted personality trait that occurs on a wide spectrum, often challenging to comprehend and navigate. When exploring the realms of narcissism, its roots in childhood attachment styles and through gaining insights into fostering empathetic connections with loved ones exhibiting narcissistic tendencies, we learn that through understanding, compassion, and empathetic support, it is possible to navigate relationships with narcissists and foster healthier dynamics.
Narcissism: A Complex Personality Trait
Narcissism is a complex human behavioral phenomenon, that encompasses a level of defensive self-enhancement. From a clinical standpoint, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a recognized mental health condition, but narcissistic traits can exist on a spectrum within the general population. Narcissists are individuals who have avoidant attachment styles, and who will typically maintain a level of distance in relationships, perhaps claiming outright that they don’t need others, have difficulty engaging imaginatively with others’ viewpoints, or feeling concerned or compassionate about the suffering of others. Individuals with narcissistic traits are especially sensitive to others’ evaluations of them, needing positive reflected appraisals, and showing some aggressive or controlling behaviours when challenged in opinions, or with any sort of perceived rejection or lack of control. It is not uncommon to experience behaviours with someone that seem narcissistic in nature and just as challenging to deal with, while enjoying many good traits about them at the same time. This can cause confusion and a lot of pain when not fully understood. Narcissism, at the extreme end, is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, and a lack of empathy and acceptance for others’ feelings. It is therefore important to understand why individuals behave the way they do, and is the first step in fostering empathy, understanding, and support, while also protecting yourself from the negative effects of this complex human trait.
Key Traits of Narcissism
Grandiosity: Narcissists often display an inflated sense of self-importance and may exaggerate their achievements or talents. They may display as aloof or arrogant, and in contrast to their self-perception, have little to no true friends while also appearing to be the life of the party. Interestingly, in respect to responses to social exclusion, narcissistic individuals self-report being less depressed, anxious, or lonely, and report higher self-esteem and more happiness. At the same time, studies suggest that narcissism is associated with fewer negative internalized emotions but increased feelings of anger, aggression, and social hostility, which often shows up in the way they communicate in a seemingly cold, heartless manner to others, interact with service people, or display racial or bigoted opinions and comments. They also tend to exhibit higher levels of stress hormones in the body than those who don’t exhibit narcissistic tendencies, leading to higher instances of heart disease and stress related disease and illness.
Lack of Empathy: A notable characteristic is the inability to understand or share the feelings of others. When confronted with the emotions of people around them, individuals with narcissistic traits will downplay the emotions of others, dismiss them all-together, project their own insecurities back to the other party, or blame them for any negative outcomes. Rarely will a narcissist own up to their part in an argument, disagreement, or breakdown in a relationship. It can be very confusing and hurtful for the other party in understanding the skillful skewing or manipulation that occurs in these moments of vulnerability. This can show up as not taking accountability for their behaviour, but rather turning it to make people's reaction to their behaviour the problem. This low regard for the emotional needs or boundaries of others results in the narcissist having difficulties maintaining healthy relationships, often resulting in a history of their relationships being abandoned by others.
Need for Admiration: Narcissists constantly seek external validation and may become preoccupied with their appearance or social status. They may feel they have a specific image they need to uphold and will defend it at all costs. Their focus becomes on ‘what others can do for me’ and these individuals will often go to great lengths to ‘love bomb’ intimate relationships in the beginning to hook their potential partner, but as the relationship progresses, they become increasingly avoidant or detached, and very defensive when approached about this change in their behavior. Often, narcissists will seek out individuals with attachment styles that will feed this need: individuals who are submissive and non-confrontational, who are prone to people pleasing and will not challenge their behaviours or ways of being.
Manipulative Behavior: These individuals can exhibit manipulative tendencies to maintain control or gain advantage in relationships. This behaviour is deployed in order for them to get their needs met and is connected to their attachment style. For example, if they grew up in an environment void of, or lacking in affection or attention, they learned quickly to find ways to get this need met. The human brain in all its complexities, especially in children, is wired for survival. Because of this, it is capable of finding very creative ways to do so. Affection, love, food, and shelter are the keystones of survival for a child. Thus, they develop methods, often through manipulation such as love-bombing, or initial acts of generosity to hook others in order to get those needs met. This then becomes the only way they know how, or their ‘road map’ to navigate relationships. Despite common misconception, it is not always an act of maleficence, but rather a familiar method of surviving in a world that didn’t support them early on in life, whereby in adulthood, they cannot perceive or simply lack the skills in approaching relationships any other way.
Fragile Self-Esteem: Despite their outward confidence, narcissists often have fragile self-esteem, making them highly sensitive to criticism. Self-esteem is developed through healthy social connections and appraisals. In fact, interpersonal connections are so important that according to some scholars, they are the fundamental definition of the human experience. When bonds are at risk of deterioration in instances of social exclusion, the experience can be very painful, and at its core, threatens an individual’s sense of survival. When a narcissist is approached by an individual who is trying to express their own need, set a boundary or engage in a compromise, the narcissist often views this as an affront, or an attack, and will engage in turning and projecting this back onto the other party. There is very little room for compromise, and quite often they engage in a ‘my way or the highway’ authoritative attitude with a strong need to stay in control in relationships.
Emotional communication is key to any healthy relationship and is especially tricky within a narcissistic individual due to their fragile self-esteem. When we tune into the emotions of others and are able to discern them from our own, we can then easily tune into the feelings that will impact the communication. When we learn to listen mindfully and actively with our partners, we glean a lot of insignificant and significant details that quite literally can make or break the relationship. Learning to not personalize someone else’s feelings and recognizing them only as their current experience and reality is an important skill for both parties to have. A second important skill is compromise: when the other party expresses a limitation or boundary that they may require, such as being granted time to calm down before re-approaching the subject, it must be honored to avoid further complications. This can be done by quickly agreeing to reconvene and try again at a set time. Although the narcissistic party may want a resolution right away, the reality is that it may not be immediately achievable if the other party is in a stress-response and feeling very triggered, so in an act of true respect for each other, compromising on when another attempted conversation happens is a healthy resolve, as opposed to allowing one person to walk away, never to speak of it again.
Apologizing is also an important aspect of healthy communication and is a very difficult skill to deploy for those individuals with narcissistic traits. Not apologizing when something was done wrong suggests that there is no care about hurting the other partner, and that there is no accountability for the actions of the narcissist. This ultimately results in the relationship going down the path to failure as the other party feels like nothing is changing, as well as causing a lot of damage emotionally that is difficult to heal from. These important communication skills in a narcissistic relationship are very difficult as the narcissist will struggle with their feelings of being betrayed, insulted, or challenged emotionally, rendering it difficult for them to come to a compromise or relate to the other party.
Emotional connection is the attunement of people or couples in interpersonal relationships to the feelings of emotions of the other(s). Women typically make more emotional requests for connection over men, despite the health of a relationship, desiring to speak about how they feel with their partners. Men typically try to dismiss these bids, especially if they perceive a threat to the relationship or their self-esteem. A shocking statistic is that 80% of the time, people don’t attempt to get the emotional bids right, or don’t even attempt trying at all. When a person lacks emotional sensitivity, such as in narcissism, there are missed opportunities to tune in and turn towards your partner. The more considerate you are of each other in a time of vulnerability, despite your own emotions, the easier it becomes to integrate new communication techniques into your conflicts, resulting in less resentment and more resolutions and forgiveness.
Specific childhood attachment styles are thought to be related to narcissism, as suggested by research. These attachment styles influence how individuals perceive and approach relationships in adulthood, often manifesting in narcissistic behaviors as coping mechanisms. Attachment is about how we manage distress, but understanding the influences of such entails understanding how often it was experienced, and how it is expressed, with the answers to those considerations found in genetic factors and learning experiences.
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, suggests that early childhood experiences significantly influence adult relationships and personality development. In fact, no other dyad can reanimate an individual’s early childhood attachment in relationships the way an adult romantic relationship can. These formative relationships become the catalyst for how you show up in relationships later in life: how you seek comfort, or push it away, how you trust, or don’t, and how you approach any situation that may be perceived as conflict. There are four primary attachment styles that were identified by Bowlby & Ainsworth: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Narcissism is often linked to three specific styles, and understanding this connection is key to being able to provide support to a loved one, and also recognize your own risk.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style:
Individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style tend to be overly dependent on others for validation, reassurance, and emotional stability. They often fear abandonment and have a strong need for constant contact and attention from their partners.
· Link to Narcissism: Anxious-preoccupied individuals may be drawn to narcissists due to the narcissist's charismatic and confident exterior. The narcissist's attention and admiration can initially provide a sense of security to those with this attachment style. However, over time, the narcissist's self-centeredness and lack of empathy may lead to emotional turmoil for the anxious-preoccupied individual.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style:
Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style often display self-sufficiency and emotional detachment. They may have learned to be self-reliant and to suppress their emotional needs. They tend to avoid vulnerability and may have difficulty expressing their emotions.
· Link to Narcissism: Some narcissistic traits, such as self-centeredness and an aversion to vulnerability, align with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style. Narcissists and those with this attachment style might find common ground in their shared desire for emotional independence and limited emotional expression. However, this can result in a lack of emotional intimacy and connection in the relationship.
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment Style:
Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style have a complex relationship with attachment. They often experience conflicting desires for emotional closeness and fear of being hurt. They may have experienced inconsistent or traumatic caregiving during childhood.
· Link to Narcissism: While the connection between the fearful-avoidant attachment style and narcissism is less straightforward than the previous styles, there can be overlaps. Fearful-avoidant individuals may be drawn to narcissists because of the narcissist's confidence and charm. However, the narcissist's lack of empathy and emotional manipulation can intensify the fearful-avoidant individual's fears and insecurities.
It's essential to note that attachment styles are not rigid categories, and individuals may display elements of multiple attachment styles or change their attachment behaviors in different relationships. Additionally, not all individuals with these attachment styles will develop narcissistic traits, and narcissism is a complex phenomenon influenced by a combination of genetic, environmental, and psychological factors. Understanding attachment styles can provide insights into relationship dynamics but should not be used as a sole explanation for the development of narcissism.
Supporting a Narcissistic Loved One
It can be challenging to maintain a healthy relationship with a narcissistic individual. However, by employing empathy, patience, and effective communication, it is possible to support them in their personal growth journey.
1. Practice Empathy
Narcissists may lack empathy, but understanding and empathy can create a safe space for them to open up and explore their vulnerabilities by encouraging them to share their feelings and concerns without judgment. This can help them develop a deeper emotional connection and eventually gain insight into their behavior. A crucial step to starting any relationship is to ask questions that will help identify attachment styles between the partners and establish a baseline of mutual understanding. Reciprocal questions could look like this:
· What will you need from me when you are feeling overwhelmed? How can I support you through those moments?
· What makes you feel the most vulnerable, and how will I know when you are feeling that way?
· What is your biggest fear in a relationship?
· What kind of relationship did you have with your parents? Were they nurturing or detached?
2. Set Boundaries
Establish clear and healthy boundaries and explain consequences of not honoring your boundaries while protecting yourself from potential manipulation or emotional exhaustion by utilizing effective communication skills. Most importantly, don’t deviate from your outlined consequences, as this helps maintain respect within the relationship and prevents further encroachment while protecting your self-worth and integrity.
3. Encourage Self-Reflection
Gently encourage the narcissistic individual to engage in self-reflection in a non-confrontational manner. Start with “I feel” statements to open the conversation. Be careful not to sound judgmental or blaming. Ask open-ended questions that prompt them to explore their emotions and motivations, which can be a catalyst for personal growth and self-awareness. Don’t engage in arguing, however. If they’re not willing to engage with you, respectfully set boundaries again and again encourage them to reflect on the requested inner exploration. Remember, that you are essentially asking this person to venture into the inner realm of some really strong emotions that they have effectively chosen to ignore for many years and have developed unhealthy coping strategies to protect. Change won’t be easy. If this approach is continually rejected with aggression or strong resistance, you may need to seek further support.
4. Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, supporting a narcissistic loved one may necessitate the involvement of a mental health professional. Therapy, such as individual or couples therapy, can provide a structured environment for addressing narcissistic traits and working toward healthier relationship dynamics. However, quite often the narcissistic personality won’t want to engage in therapy, touting that there is nothing wrong with them or that it is unfair for them to be asked to ‘change’. Being able to identify this as their own fragile self-esteem issue is important in order to be able to disconnect from allowing it to become a “you” problem.
5. Prioritize Self-Care
It is essential to prioritize self-care when supporting a narcissistic individual. Caring for your emotional well-being is not selfish but rather a prerequisite for offering genuine support. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to help you navigate the complexities of the relationship. Set boundaries around your own needs and limitations. Stick to them.
Conclusion:
Understanding the roots of narcissism, its connection to childhood attachment styles, and how to support a narcissistic loved one can be a challenging yet rewarding journey. By fostering empathy, setting boundaries, and encouraging self-reflection, you can help them on the path to personal growth and healthier relationships. People are capable of change, but must be proactive in making that change happen. Remember that while providing support, your well-being matters too. Balancing empathy with self-care is essential for nurturing a relationship with a narcissistic individual while maintaining your own emotional health.
**Note**: It's important to consult with mental health professionals when dealing with individuals with narcissistic traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This blog post provides general insights and guidance but should not replace personalized advice from clinical experts in the field.
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